Everything I need to know about Conservatives, I learned in Public School
By J.R. Pascucci
Posted On November 02, 2004

Having been born into a multi-generational Massachusetts Democrat-voting, pro-labor, Vietnam protesting, Woodstock-going, capital-L Liberal family, and having gone to one of the “best public schools” in the Northeast, I was exposed to (some would say ‘indoctrinated in’) the entire spectrum of political opinion available in the Northeast - from deconstructive multiculturalism to post-modern neomarxism. If I’d gone just a little further in my studies in the “best colleges in the country,” I could have become one of the Elite and had my consciousness risen to the level of an actual communist and radical vegan eco-feminist.

One thing brings these completely unrelated, intellectually ‘diverse’ groups together – the idea that people who oppose or question the simple truths I’ve been taught are stupid, evil, or both.

I was taught that the Republican Party (also known as the ‘unindicted co-conspirators’) is composed of dumb but rich white guys and their dupes: dumb but poor white guys, to oppress women and minorities.

I was taught that religious people, like drug addicts (except for the enlightened people who use the good drugs, like pot, LSD, peyote and mescaline) who happen to be addicted to the opiate of the masses are hypocrites that ‘can’t deal with reality without a crutch.’

I was taught that anyone who shows a streak of patriotism is actually a Nazi – ultra-nationalist imperialist baby-killers, who want to either enslave little brown people to pump oil or force their children to work in factories making sneakers at gun point, so the rich white guys can drive their big gas-guzzling cars and have nice things at unfairly low prices.

I was taught that the American court system always favors those groups in power, and if it weren’t for lawyers, all good people would be in jail on drug charges after the ‘pigs’ planted it on them. I was taught that the U.N. is the natural ‘next level’ of government to keep a check on our own, and that the International Criminal Court will be the final court of appeal, to help us keep our courts more fair, like other countries’ courts.

I was taught that those who dare question a woman’s fundamental, constitutionally-enshrined “right to choose,” to kill their unwanted babies on demand with impunity, through abortion or during a bout of post-partum depression, are patriarchal misogynists who want all women barefoot and pregnant, instead of allowing them to free themselves to actuate their potential in the workplace.

I was taught that ‘if it feels good, do it.’ That homosexuality, single motherhood, polygamy, luddism, nudism, paganism, vegetarianism, pot-smoking, and the goth/rave/B&D subculture were all equally valid lifestyle choices, but traditional religion, celibacy, monogamy, the nuclear family, and eating meat were to be discouraged. Also, sex outside of marriage is okay, but sex with the person you are married to is a form of rape. Anyone who questions these simple truths is a homophobic chauvinist puritan bent on imposing their will on others.

I was taught that all companies could only become successful if they oppressed their workers, destroyed our environment, or made weapons to oppress foreigners and minorities, and the only thing that could save us from the horrors of greed (f/k/a ‘capitalism’) were Ralph Nader, ACLU lawyers and government regulation.

I was taught that welfare recipients had a right to welfare, and that there is no possible adequate compensation for single mothers, teachers, government workers, union workers and overeducated Starbuck’s and Walmart wage slaves for a full-time 28 hour work-week, but that CEOs and white collar workers are always overpaid. I was taught the opposite of a ‘blue collar worker’ is ‘white collar criminal.’

I was taught that the causes of conservatism were, depending on the subject, derived from obsessive control issues, pathological fear of change, religious schizotypal and narcissistic personality disorders, aggressive dyscontrol disorders, childhood adjustment disorders, xenophobia, and, of course, penis envy (because, why else would conservatives like guns and missiles).

These were the values that were installed in me, and those of my generation and the previous who grew up around here. Imaging my surprise when, after having traveled through the country as a relative youth, I found many people did not share these beliefs. For a while, I assumed they were stupid or evil, as I was taught to do.

People who hold these values and beliefs further believe John Kerry represents them.

I’ve come to realize that, on this last belief, but no other, I agree with them.

J. R. Pascucci (jrpcj@jrpresearch.org) is a nuoconservative dissident presently residing in the People’s Republic of Cambridge.

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